The Blue Guide to Indiana - Excerpt

A LETTER FROM THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR OF THE STATE OF INDIANA

There is no argument that the State of Indiana is the Birthplace of Vice Presidents. Seven Hoosiers have held the second highest office in the land. Thirteen more have run unsuccessfully for the office. Indiana is, after all, the only state in the union which holds primary elections expressly for the selection of Vice President. Hence, the first lesson gleaned by the careful reader of this guide is that Indiana endows those of "second" station with boundless respect and all requisite power. Thus, the constitution of the state recognizes the Lieutenant Governor, that would be me, as the ultimate executive in our government, with the Governor serving mainly as President of our Senate and as "Designated Father of the Bride" in our traditional wedding service.

But our governmental uniqueness does not end there. Let me draw your attention to The John Chancellor Memorial Pavilion in downtown Indianapolis, designed by the architect Michael Graves, from which, in every national election since 1958, powerful microwave transmissions emanate at precisely a nanosecond after the closing of Indiana polling places, uplinking the expected information to news dissemination organizations everywhere. Once in space, the signal rebounds off orbiting dedicated satellites, also designed by the architect Michael Graves, and received instantaneously in New York City, indicating a clear Republican victory in order for Indiana to be "called" for the Republican candidate immediately upon the commencement of that evening's National News.

The building also contains a Baptistry where those public officials elected as Democrats gather during their ritual conversion to Republican status. Now this realignment of party affiliation is standard for every politician in this state (I myself have run and won various offices as a Democrat three times, each time renouncing the party and becoming a Republican upon election). The Baptistry hosts many out-of-state conversions as well. Delightful quirks such as the above, unique to our state, hint at the many other distinctive features of Indiana chronicled by this guide.

The state, recognizing the value of your visit, now offers the only Ph.D. in tourism in the country at its Bloomington campus of Indiana University where out-of-state tuition is less than that paid by those in-state. The degree can easily be obtained during your two-week jaunt through the state if you utilize the regional campuses and distant learning facilities. Revenue from the tourism industry, according to the 1990 census, contributes nearly two-thirds of our state's gross income (coming in ahead of agriculture and hard currency derived from out-of-state relatives sending checks and money orders to their locally domesticated kin).

It is my honor also to introduce you to our newly renovated rest areas located a few feet inside every border. Here political appointees gladly greet you, the visitor, with refreshing pawpaw canapes and free glasses of buttermilk cider drawn from our state's native bison herds.

Those of you relocating to Indiana will find this edition of this guide indispensable to your relocation. Though I was born above my father's hobby store in Atwood, I myself found the following information informative. From the seismic hills outside Etna to the deepest coal mines down around Evansville, you will find this guide a godsend for your orientation to your new home. This book will help you find all of it. Bring your cameras to record each corner of the state's picturesque beauty from the excitement of our sporting events to the annual draining of the swamps, from the blessing of the crop-dusting fleet to the continual sweeping of the front porch steps by the widows of North Judson.

Be sure to visit me in my office at the State House, and I'll be happy to show you the famous desk (its top cut in the shape of Indiana and made from weathered planks taken from the teakwood deck of the USS Indiana). I will gladly present you with a complimentary bottle washer, manufactured by our sister state of Xi Juan, in the People's Republic of China, and a vial of rancid though medicinal French Lick's Own World Famous Pluto Springs Water, the secret ingredient of this, the most regular state in the union. Indiana!

Indianapolis
2001